Kim's Blog

“Will I accept His love for me?” and “Will I relinquish past hurts and failures, and trust God with my story?” are 2 questions I asked at the end of my last post. Boy, I sure would like to give a resounding “YES” to both of those. This is a journey, right? So, let’s go for a walk. I’m learning that God’s character, who He is, does not change with my circumstances. Also, what has happened to me doesn’t have to define who I am. “Who do you want to be?”, my coach has asked me numerous times. Hmmm, who do I want to be? The question repeats over and over in my mind, who do I want to be? I’ve been asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, the question most of us were asked in the early years of our lives. I grew up the daughter of a Music Minister/Youth Pastor, the middle child of 3. I cut my teeth on the back of an old wooden pew. Some of my fondest memories are of playing hide and go seek, in the church, in the dark, while our parents were in choir practice. Fun fact - My first concussion came during one of those games. Running at breakneck speed to escape my pursuer, I darted into a classroom too quickly and my head crashed into the side of an upper cabinet. Knocked myself out, scared myself, the other kids, and my parents. Ok, where was I? I recall being asked, many, many times, ‘What’ do I want to be, however, I have no recollection, prior to my current coach, of being asked ‘Who’ I want to be. So I began to ponder the question. Numerous words come to mind; kind, honest, faithful, genuine, gracious, and loving. I now wonder, who does God say I am? And, do I believe Him, not believe in Him, but truly believe what He says about me? Shoot, that’s hard! Many of the messages I received as child, “Children are to be seen and not heard”, “Don’t feel that”, “Don’t be that way”, “Sit down & be quiet”, “Do as I say, not as I do”, stifled (another fun fact, Stifle is my maiden name) my ability to express myself. Heck, it squashed my thinking about how to express myself. Anger was my go to. I had so much pent up frustration at not being heard, not having the freedom to say my peace, and receiving messages that it wasn’t ok to express myself. Then figuring out who I wanted to be? Major frustration that led to more anger. Being the middle child, cheese and crackers, I didn’t know who I was, let alone have the wherewithal to figure out who I wanted to be. Where did I fit in my family? Where did I fit in life? In the world? I’m 54 years old and just now asking these hard questions. I wanted to be athletic and smart, like my older brother, yet dainty and pretty like my younger sister. Turns out, I was all of those things, I just didn’t know it. My marriage brought additional suppression of my thoughts and feelings of who I wanted to be. Now words like, submit, respect, honor, obey, he’s the head of the household, were thrown at me. The “who” I wanted to be, was subdued even further. As I consider these things now, I’m realizing that my choice was subdued. I’m not sure if I gave it away or it was suppressed or a combination of both. Whatever it may be, I’m choosing now! I choose to accept God’s love for me and clothe myself in who He says I am! Loved, beautiful, a daughter of the King! The next question is a bit harder to answer. Relinquishing past hurts and failures? Trusting God with my story? Slowly, I’m letting go, one finger at a time. As I’ve said before, this journey takes time. Thank you Father God, for Jesus and your Holy Spirit, so I don’t have to travel alone.❤️

Yep, that’s a question! Last year, 2022, one of the words God gave me was acceptance. Really God, acceptance? Doesn’t that mean I’m settling? Doesn’t that mean I’m approving of what happened to me? Now here I go looking up the definition. According to Merriam-Webster.com, the definition of acceptance is, “the act of accepting something or someone: the fact of being accepted: APPROVAL.”1 There’s that word, approval. So now I’m looking up synonyms. There are a lot of synonyms for the word ‘acceptance’. I’ve found 2 that match what I believe God to mean when he gave me that word. The first is, reconcilement. The second, relinquishment. And now here I go looking up those words. Reconcilement, meaning “to make consistent or congruous”, and “to cause to submit to or accept something unpleasant.”2 Relinquishment, meaning “to withdraw or retreat from: leave behind” and “to give over possession or control of: Yield.”3 Alrighty, now we’re getting somewhere. May 2019 was my discovery day, finding inappropriate things on my husband’s cell phone. July 2019 began the trickling out of, what would end up being, numerous disclosures of betrayal. The next 2.5 years I spent untangling the lies, the deceptions, and the betrayals. I did not want, what was my life, to be my story. Side note – this is where you hear me scream, “Holy Balls!!!”. God and I were having long and deep discussions, actually I was having long and deep rants to God about this. For months I refused to accept reality and the truth. I guess I was hoping God would work a miracle and change the past or I’d wake up and it’d all be a dream. That did not happen. Instead, God began to show me his wonderful character traits. Love, peace, long-suffering, compassion, mercy, grace, comfort, and truth. Wow, truth! Here I was asking my husband to be honest and truthful, and I was having a hard time accepting the truth. I never wavered in my belief in God, I did however waver in believing he loved me and had my best interests at heart. It’s Easter weekend, 2023 as I write this. I just wrote this note to some friends, “Today is Saturday, the day ‘in between’ Jesus’ death and resurrection. It may seem quiet. It may seem that God is silent. Rest assured, He is not sitting idly by, waiting for something to happen. He is always at work, around, in, and through us. This is the time when Jesus was taking the penalty of sin and, once and for all, defeating it! Salvation, forgiveness, release from shame, all gifts for us, if we accept them. We may not see it right now, but God is moving. He loves you & me! Hold tight, friends! Healing & freedom is just around the corner. HE IS RISEN!!!” A light bulb came on in my mind. Jesus marched to the cross knowing exactly what awaited him. Acceptance! He also knew that God the Father was madly in love with him. Acceptance! Jesus gave over control of his life to his Abba. Relinquishment! He left behind what he thought things should’ve been or should be. Relinquishment! Holy wow!!! This is the story God wants to write for me. Will I accept His love for me? Will I relinquish past hurts and failures, and trust God with my story? I’ll attempt to answer those questions next week. I’ll call that blog, ‘Storytime’. Blessings, friends! 1“Acceptance.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/acceptance. Accessed 3 Apr. 2023. 2“Reconcile.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reconcile. Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. 3“Relinquish.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/relinquish. Accessed 4 Apr. 2023.

I’ve been considering moving some furniture around in our sitting area, rearranging the pieces for a different look & feel. That brought a question to mind. How do I, or really can I, rearrange the pieces of my life into something my heart, mind & soul can acknowledge as good? When the news of my husband’s betrayal hit my brain, my mind came to a screeching halt. And then it hit the gas, ‘pedal to the metal’. Everything I thought was good, now turned bad. Everything I thought was right, was wrong. Everything I thought was up, was now down. And on and on. Over the past several years, I’ve worked hard to “right myself”. What does that even mean? For me, it means digging into who I am, what I enjoy doing and, who I want to be. FYI, I am a questioneer! I know that’s not a ‘real’ word, however, I’m making it one for this time. I ask a lot of questions, and sometimes they come out so fast, it’s as if I’m an auctioneer. So that’s how I came up with questioneer. Now, back to my story… Since D-Day (disclosure or discovery day), I have not been able to view my life, my past, as good. Holy balls, the information I received that day messed me up! Recently, a friend of mine, who’s on a similar journey, reminded me that not every single moment of my past was bad. She encouraged me to look for the needles in the haystack of my life. And so, I took a little journey down memory lane. Wow, what a view! It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, there are negative messages spouted to me along the way, “You’re not good enough.”, “Just forgive and forget.”, “If only you would act right, then I would act right.”, “Don’t be angry.”. There’s also betrayal, abandonment, blame and, too many hurts to list. However, there’s quite a bit of good. Yes, there’s good! I found good! I found songs I had written when I was 17. I found journals telling of God’s faithfulness. My children, career successes, more songs written, many friends made, relationships restored, fun times camping & hunting, playing paintball with the kids, and on, and on, and on the list goes. This deserves a “Holy Balls!” right here. I can find good even when my life is a big ol’ bucket of suck! This doesn’t mean I minimize the hurts I’ve had; it just means I don’t have to allow those things to define my life. Where I’ve been, where I’m going, where I am presently, they don’t define who I am. My value, my worth, my definition all come from my Heavenly Father. Now, I don’t walk around singing spiritual hymns all the time , nor do I have it all together. This is a day by day, sometimes minute by minute, process. And it takes time. Boy, does it take time. Let me get back to the question I asked at the beginning, “can I rearrange the pieces of my life into something my heart, mind & soul can acknowledge as good?”, I say Y-E-S! It takes work, lots of work, but it can be done. I can learn to accept the bad along with the good. So, welcome to the intro to the story that is my life. It’s messy, bumpy and, sometimes ugly, however, it’s also good, hopeful, and courageous! Stay tuned, there’s more to come.

Last year, I thought blogging was a good idea, one I could grab ahold of and do. Yeah, well, not so much. Why did I decide to write a blog? I don’t even like to write! I’m more of a ‘hands on doer’, like mowing the grass. I don’t want to write about mowing the grass, I want to get on the mower and mow the grass! Well, I’m going to dig into this a little bit, or maybe a lot. Let’s see…why a blog??? What was I thinking??? So, there’s going to be a lot of ‘I’ statements here, after all, I am talking about myself, and this is my blog, and bippity, boppity, boo! 😊 Honestly, I thought I could become a great writer or something of the sorts. “How’s that working out?”, you might ask. Yeah, my answer, ”not so well!” I think I was trying to be something/someone I’m not. Now here’s where my A-D-D kicks in. In my world, A-D-D stands for Ahh, Duh Disorder. Yes, I made that up! Coming up with little sayings or remarks is my superpower. 💪🏼💪🏼 As I began to write for this blog, I believed I needed to be smart and theologian-ish. Yes, I know that’s not a word, hang with me though. I believed I had to say the right words and be someone who knew things and facts and whatever. Totally incongruent to who I am, and it stunted my blogging process. I was so worried about whoever would read this and what they would think of me, that I just stopped. Well, bless my heart! Side note: We, here in the South, often use the phrase, ‘bless your heart’. It can have multiple meanings, from empathy/sympathy, to being kind and courteous (saying ‘thank you’), to “my, my, my, that person is a brick short of a full load.” I'll let you choose which one you think I meant. So, why today? Why start again? Why now? FYI, I ask myself a lot of questions. Hopefully this is a journey to find the answers. Here we go! Why today? I decided to just do it. God has been nudging me to do this. I really wanted to say he’s been nagging me; however, I’m learning that’s not his character. Why start again? I don’t like to quit. I like to see things through to completion. Why now? It’s time for me to face the fear of other’s rejection and criticism, and trust God’s acceptance. Now, I’m not going to get all preachy here. This is my life, and these are my thoughts and truths. I am a Christ follower and I view my life through the lens of that relationship. And so, here I go, one step at a time! Hopefully this is the first of many more to come. If you’re curious enough to come back, awesome! I will warn you, however, I will be real. I will be honest. I will be me! So, buckle up and hold on! The ride might get a bit rough. Bless your heart!

I heard those words, “War is all about deception”, in an interview with a retired U.S. Army Colonel, and it struck me. We are at war! I personally don't like it. I'd prefer to 'do my thing and let you do yours'. I’m that kind of gal. Sadly, our enemy doesn't play fair. 1 Peter 5:8 (NLT) admonishes us to, "Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." Looking for someone to devour! That's not a pretty picture, is it? I spent most of my life not watching out for my enemy. Oh, I thought I was watching; however, I was more concerned with fitting in and not being rejected. I chose to marry young, at age 20, while reeling from my parents’ divorce just 18 months earlier. I was shocked that a man would accept and want to marry me, this tomboyish girl who loved sports, music, and was a fierce competitor. Honestly, I just wanted to be loved and accepted, and being quite naive about marriage and sexual things, I stepped into life with my husband. Deception is defined as, “the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid.” (“Deception.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deception. Accessed 26 Jul. 2022.) In my younger years I believed that it would take someone real crafty to deceive me. I just knew I could spot a deceiving crook a mile away. Well bless my heart! That’s a southerner’s way of saying, ‘my, my, my, you’re not very bright are you’. And truthfully, I wasn’t very bright. Oh, I was, and hopefully still am, somewhat intelligent. However, that whole fear of rejection thing caused me to reject what my logical, rational self was seeing and hearing. Early in marriage, I remember noticing odd behaviors, statements, and requests from my husband but brushed them off as nothing more than ‘that’s just who he is’. Being a 9, low self-esteem & seeking peace, on the Enneagram model didn’t help me. In addition, I was emotionally immature, not able to recognize & name what I was feeling, other than anger. And boundaries, what were those? What a set up for deception! I buried my head in the sand, hoping those little nagging feelings were a mirage. Sadly, they weren’t, and 30 years later I would discover my husband’s struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors. I would then begin to uncover truths about addiction, abuse, and betrayal trauma. Deception nearly ended me, my marriage, and many relationships. However, in the chaos of this war, I found there is an antidote, a remedy and prevention. Truth! Truth is the solution! Jesus said in John 14:6 (NLT), “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” Jesus is the truth and the solution! Sounds like a cliché, however, that’s the truth! So, what does that mean for us today, in this real world? We’ll look at that more in my next post. Reminder….You are worth it!